Day 35 to 37

Everyday is still improvement. I am surpassing what I thought was good, when things were going well. It’s an exceptional feeling.
New things arise, but thanks to my soul searching, I have learned ways of dealing with. If I start to feel a little panic or dis-ease, I am able to pull myself out if it, because I have learned to have control over my mind. On occasion I get a thought that isn’t easy to kick ( realistically, I am re-programming my mind, after 28 years, it won’t go away over night) but I stop myself, find my center, and fill my mind with positive thoughts and affirmations, and usually within a couple minutes the feeling subsides.

I have started to be able to Handle shopping again, which is a great thing, not for the shopping aspect of it, but being able to go places, near large groups, and lots of energy and have control. Plus, it’s nice to have my independence back, be able to get my own groceries. I have even manage to get my own Christmas shopping almost finished!

The only thing I have not felt improvement on, is returning to work. It’s not that I do not want to work, I just do not feel that going back to retail is the right decision. I think I will be extending my leave a bit longer, while I do some more soul searching and figure out what it is that calls to me. Where do I feel safe, comfortable, at at ease. I need to figure out what I enjoy doing, that can be a career. It will take time, but over the last few months, I have not really had the opportunity because I have been so unclear about myself. Now that my inner self is becoming more clear and situated, I shall start putting more energy into that.
Everyday is a blessing through this journey, I trust that each day, great things await me.

-J

Day 34

Okay, I need your input!!
so this blog is just my random thoughts, it’s not well written, but I think it gets the point across. I have had 4 different people tell me, I should start writing books, articles, those kind of things.( based on other writings, such as letters, messages, previous essays, journals etc) I do not have the creativity for fiction writing, but I have thought about turning this journey into a book… Different words, more descriptive into what I did to turn my life around in such a short period of time.(it really has been short in the grand scheme of things)
So now my question to you… Would you be inclined to by a non-fiction, self help book, written by someone with no credentials, but with first hand experience? Someone who has turned their life around, from anxiety and panic ridden, depressed, un-motivated? From someone who has tried medications, but found they can make more of a difference from inside themselves, who did it naturally, and wound up being happy? If you would, what topic would you want covered? Key points you’d like to see mentioned? What would you, as a potential reader, like to know? Hear?
I would really love your feedback on this one!!!!

Day 29 and 30

The journey is continuing to prove positive. I am learning lots about myself, and how I can function, than I ever really knew before.
I have always been a very go go go person. Didn’t really understand the concept of slowing down, savouring the moment, and living for today. That is a big thing this journey has taught me. To slow down, enjoy life, live for today! This is one of those things, it’s going to take time to become an ever day thing, and to be routine, but already I find myself slowing down more. I have more control over my thought process, my body, my mood and my reactions. It’s a pretty great feeling. I think we will be extending my leave from work, because I do not feel ready for that yet. But I have faith that the right path lays before me and soon I will have the answers for what direction I am to head on the career front

Day 27 and 28

Well, not much new an exciting here, lots of journaling!
Today started off a bit rocky, got up, and got dressed and ready to go to church, but started not feeling
well, so I decided today was not going to be my first day, and that was okay with me, it felt like the right choice, so I trusted my intuition!
I did however manage over an hour, in costco! Considering I can’t even usually manage Walmart, maintaining composure and calmness through that shopping experience felt fantastic! My strength is growing day by day, thanks to this journey.
I would also like to add, 14 days of no Ativan, and 12 without anxiety. That feels pretty damn amazing!!
Staying positive. The path for my future lies before me. And it will be revealed soon, what the next step of this journey will be!
-J

Day 26…

I am just amazed at the improvement I have been having lately! I have found a great church, which at this time I’m not going to get into detail about which one, as I feel, to each their own! I met with a spiritual counsellor today, which not only was it a great “visit” and I felt really good about it afterwards, it also showed me even more the strength I have!!
Before today, I had never met her, but I comfortably welcomed her into my home, which, since I have been having issues with social anxiety from the snowball effect of the anxiety disorder, says an awful lot to myself!
I just cannot express how empowering and enlightening this journey has ended up becoming for me!
A month ago, I hated everything about myself and my “disorder”, today I can sit here and tell you, I love myself! I love god for my strength, myself for finding my strength, I love my determination, I love my intelligence. I can sit here today, 3 months the the day, of when my personal hell began, and say, with 100% conviction, I am grateful that I was “burdened” with this disorder. It gave me a chance to search my soul, find pieces of myself, find the start of my new path, and start living my life with a different outlook, which in turn, will provide a different outcome from the path I was on before.
It’s still one day at a time, one step at a time… But I have direction, I have faith that everything happens for a reason and amazing things will be coming our way!
I am ever so grateful, for my family, my other half ( I swear he has the patience of a saint with the shit I have put him through), I am grateful to god for my life, my daughter and all other blessings that gave come my way, even the ones that have come in disguise. I am grateful for all the good in my life, which is what I choose to focus on!
In all honestly yesterday I received some news, that less than a month ago would have reverted me back to square one, and thanks to my journey my learning and experiences, I faced it totally different. Instead of blowing it out of proportion, I stopped and looked at it logically.
I will even get into details to explain what I mean. With me being off work, money has been very right around the house. And this month was worse, because of chiropractic etc… Now, to be honest, my other half has two children from previous relationships, and as we all know, along with that, comes child support. Now it’s been a rough couple years for work, for him, so he has fallen behind. Well, they made an error and the guarnishment, and took almost 3X as much as they were supposed to…. Leaving us with half the rent unpaid, because he didn’t even receive a quarter of the rent, on his cheque( and from that, he still needs to be able to get to and from work).Now this is quite a kick to the teeth….he was paid less than $300…So, hello stress central… Rent is due in 4 days at that point, and we are over $400 short!
Normally I would lose it I would cry, I was scream and I would stress myself out to the point of being a complete and utter mess, probably would have given my notice, because I couldn’t afford rent….What did I do instead, I thought positively… We have been in the suite for a year and a half, never been late with rent, always 2-5 days early, been quiet, respectful, and have taken good care of te place ( it is our home, although not forever, it is for now!! )So, I got in touch with my landlord, I explained we ran into some trouble and If at call possible could I pay most now, and the remainder a few days late ( no later than Decemeber 3rd) and he was totally fine with it… So instead of blowing it up, I accepted what is, searched for a plan , and it worked, because I had faith that it would!
Sounds simple right? Not when you are stuck in negative thought patterns where nothing good come out in the end, so it goes to show the improvement, it shows me, that god and the universe is on my side, guiding me to the life I am destined to have!

Take the time, for the next week( even longer) every night, write 3 things that went well, and elaborate why they went well! And every morning, a minimum of 3 things you’re grateful for… You’ll be amazing how easy it truly can me to escape the negative thinking pattern and start to feel results from the positive…. One week, of diligence and you will feel it! I full heartedly believe it, and am living proof of just how strong our mind is, negative or positive…. So do something good with that strength<3
-J
On a cute side note, my 2.5 year old daughter asked me to read her " the night before Christmas" and then …. The dictionary!! Haha

Day 19

I really feel like things are improving! This is day 4 with no Ativan. In the last week I have only taken .5 mg.
It is also day 2 with no anxiety that I haven’t curbed, today was none…. A little discomfort but not anxiety, yesterday was minimal, and I think it was more withdrawals than anxiety ( I was at home and totally comfortable).
Today, I went to my moms doctors appointment with her ( I haven’t gotten to the point of being fully alone yet), went shopping, went and sat and ate lunch, spent an hour in Michaels looking at beads( I am going to make prayer beads when the funds allow), and still managed 2 more stores after that AND went out for dinner ( which is when the discomfort set in).
That is a BIG day for me!! And I did it! I can totally rock this! I got it, fully!
I feel so positive, all from those changes of positive affirmations, mentioned in “day 17 and 18”.
My mom has noticed changes too, my posture has improved, my spirits, my attitude, my temperament, and just over all mannerism.
There is light and the end of the tunnel, and I feel as though I owe it all to God, with some additional guidance from Louise Hay.
I strongly recommend checking out some of her books. And her websites.

It is a fantastic feeling. And no, things didn’t just get perfect overnight, and I still have a long journey ahead of me… But anyone who has been in this situation knows, any light, feels like the brightest light of all!!
-J

Day 17 and 18

Well, I’m not even sure where to begin. Today feels like the start of something new! This was, I think, by far the best day I have had since, well the end of August when this all started. Yesterday, I was feeling pretty rough…. Went to the chiropractor, went to the library, couldn’t brave going grocery shopping, so my pretty average day as of lately. Last night I started reading ” You can create an exceptional life” by Lousie Hay and Cheryl Richardson. This was honestly, what I feel was the best decision I have made in a while, and I haven’t even finished it!
It’s about positive affirmations, and how they can change your life!
There are a lot of examples of positive affirmations in the book,as well as countless numbers of them online, google it!
One of the points in the book, that really kick started it for me, was

The first hour of the morning is critical. How you spend it will determine your experience for the rest of the day.

Now I have always been one who hated waking up. I like my sleep, and I love being comfortable in my bed all cozy and relaxed. But this chapter in the book, really opened my eyes. Something’s as simple as ”

I wake up today, with strength in my heart and Clarity in my mind”

as soon as you wake up. Now this morning, instead of opening my eyes, rolling out of bed and staggering through my morning, I laid in bed, started with that positive thought, and then went through a few others. I thanked God for the ability to see today, and I just thought about some things I am grateful for. I got up, I went to the washroom ( where I have some post it notes on my mirror reminding me of some affirmations, that today holds great things for me, that life is well and so am I. I stopped to remind myself that I am strong and beautiful, and went outside for a bit, and just sat in peace. I found myself calm and content with the day.
I did some decluttering, going through old clothes that don’t fit my daughter so I can donate them. I folded the laundry that I have just not had the energy to fold and put away. Had my windows open and some nice meditation music going with some lovely candles. I went outside a little later in the day, and found myself just repeating some positive affirmations, as I was feeling a little anxious. I told myself I am strong, I love today, I love life, life loves me, I am well, I am safe, I am loved. God loves me, and is going to guide me through this journey. There were some others, but I was just sitting In the peaceful outdoors, just telling myself all these positive things, with my eyes closed. And I will tell you, as strange as it may sound, when I opened my eyes, things were brighter than when I closed them. This of course freaked me out a little bit, cause it was such an odd sensation. But I continued on with my housework. Then, it was time to go get groceries. Now, the anxiety I have been having, has gotten pretty bad, because of my fear of it, I have become a pretty big homebody. If I’m out, I’m uncomfortable, anxious, dizzy, and just over all, a mess! So, before leaving the house, I told myself, again, that I am strong, that I can do this, that I have support from my God, and my family. And off we go…. We arrive in the parking lot, and it’s building, I can feel it! I run into my brother and sister inlaw, so I stop to talk…. Prolonging the process. And when I’m done, I stop myself. I tell myself, I AM STRONG! I am a people person, I am comfortable in busy places, staying calm in groups is easy.
And, guess what. I went in, we shopped, we paid, we came out… I was safe, I survived, and even better, I had NO anxious feelings, I didn’t get dizzy, and I didn’t want to run!
Came home, cooked, ate, bathed the babe, got her to bed, watched some Russell Peters, and then put on a movie, ” Pitch Perfect” which I have been wanting to see for quite some time. Another big step. I sat, and watched the ENTIRE movie. I didn’t feel anxious, I didn’t need to get up to move around, or go outside for a breather. I sat for what, almost 2 hours. Still, silent, not talking, not needing that conversation. Engaged in a movie, and comfortable with my thoughts and my feelings.

And how did I achieve this milestone day, POSITIVITY! positive self talk, some mirror work, and confidence!

I have post it notes all around my house, to serve as reminders, until It become habitual. I have 5 on my bedroo door alone, 1 above my light switch, 3 in my bathroom, 4 on my daughters bedroom door, 3 on my bedroom wall, one on my lamp, and 2 I my headboard, tomorrow, it’s time to put them up In the kitchen.
It reminds me to think positive, whatever I am doing.

It’s going to take time, Rome wasn’t build in a day, but let me tell you, it sure feels like I made a great start on it!!

Day 16

Well today was a much better day, have gone all day without Ativan! Granted I only left the house to run to the store and then to pick up some pizza for dinner ( super unhealthy I know). I have caught a nasty cold, but find that I am making too much progress to let it get me down! I did spend all day in my Pajamas, read some of the bible, had a good conversation with my other half about it, he is so knowledgable in the bible, history, and so much more, that I just love conversations about pretty much anything with him, no matter the topic. It is always intellectually stimulating, although to be honest, with my current condition, I don’t always retain everything we discuss.
Anyways, tomorrow I am off to the chiropractor again, trying to keep things in alignment!
My days have become so lost, being off work…. I never know what day it is, just what I need to get done!
I miss it, but until I get to the point of being able to tolerate groups of people, and new people, there is no way I will be able to return to the “joys “of retail! I have been considering some schooling to change careers, but I have no idea what to take and what field to get into, where I can be happy and comfortable, but not deal with lots of people and continuous stress….. I’m open to suggestions!!!
Anyways, hope everyone had had a great day, thanks for reading and following along. Somedays it’s just nice to know that someone heard you
-J

Day 8

Yesterday was day 8. It was overall a good day. Started of the day with some positive thoughts and reflection of gratitude. Ran some errands, nothing off much excitement, came back home and started with my decluttering. I am working on my house, room by remove, to decrease clutter and increase the flow of chi. Where I live is very difficult to get to a feng shui, due to lay out and lack of windows. However, I am doing everything that is possible, to increase the flow of positive energy. It’s hard to declutter your mind with a cluttered space. It is a work in progress but it made some progress. Opened my windows, out on some relaxing zen music, lit a couple candles and just set myself to it with positive intention.
Day by day I see improvements in myself,my moods and my anxiety. As they say, Rome wasn’t built in a day, so I’m just sticking to it, focusing on being strong and finding my inner peace.

-J

Day 7…..

Well I’ve stuck with it for a week!!
Today was a really rough start. Do you ever have those days where your get up and go, got up and went without you? it takes you forever to snap out of it? And you’re borderline tears for most of the day? That was me today.
I had zero motivation, and I felt pretty down in the dumps. I did some positive meditation, but even that didn’t do much.
I went out for brunch with my daughter, my mom and my brother, broke down in tears in the restaurant cause I felt so overwhelmed. Had to excuse myself. Came back in, are, and had to go outside again.
The day started to pick up a bit afterwards, took my daughter bowling for the first time, and she really enjoyed herself, and so did I. But I still felt off!!so I decided we should go for a walk, but it was too windy for my daughter, so they took her back to the car, and let me go for a bit of a walk on my own. We went for a bit if a drive then it was off to family dinner…. I was really nervous, cause last week I had a pretty bad anxiety attack at my dads house, and was scared it would happen again…. I almost back out, but decided I needed to face it, and I did…. And I’m so glad I did. I survived, and didn’t have an attack! Somedays. It just a matter of stepping outside the comfort zone, you could surprise yourself!!!
Tonight it’s time to watch some fluff on tv and do a little knitting!
Tomorrow WILL be a better day! And today will just be a reminder that I am stronger than I think!!!
-J