Source: Let’s get moving! !
Haven’t posted in a while
It’s been a long time since I wrote on this blog, 8 months or so.. so what is there to update.
Well, I have maintained over a year without any medications! November marked 12 months, so 14 months now!
It’s been a journey.. it’s been a battle, but I finally feel like I’m in the light now, still in the shadows, but no longer in darkness.
I have made many lifestyle changes that have truly helped turn things around, which I discuss in my other blog, perseverance is key though. I have a beautiful little girl, and a lovely family. . There is no such thing as Giving up.
Over the last months since I posted last, a lot of the triggers and causes have come to light. My ex- who I raved about, was actually narsacistic and had made me believe I was the problem. Needless to say, I found out in march that his girlfriend was pregnant and he had a baby in October. ( keeping in mind we were together until may..)
All ties gave been cut, I forgive him for how he was with me- even though he never asked for it. I forgave himm for myself. For my healing and my progress. I’ve slowly started meeting new people- but with social anxiety, that’s not an easy thing to do, but it helps- when I find the right people. I just keep learning, keep moving forward and things keep getting better.
I made a very different resolution this year for new years, after 29 years( less cause I didn’t make them as a young child) I decided that instead of this year saying ” I will make these changes and do these things” I made a vow to myself.
I have closed the door on 2015, leaving all thay does not serve me and help me grow, behind that door. I vow to take each day a step at a time, without worrying about the future.
That is my vow to me, and so far, it’s going pretty damn great!
Love and light
-J
The world of depression
Welcome to the world of depression. Everything is going well and then all of a sudden, it’s like an earthquake,and everything comes crashing down around you, bruised and battered in a pile of rubble.
You start again, finding your happiness somewhere inside of you.. You begin building yourself up from within, nurturing your soul with all that it needs.. Love, compassion, kindness, positivity, and peace. You build yourself up and then it all crashes down around you again. Everytime it’s a little less damage, it takes a little less time to rebuild yourself. But for that period of time before you start picking up the pieces, you feel hopeless, like you’ve failed again. Did you make the wrong decisions? Was it another mistake? Why does the happiness disappear?
Everything felt so good, right on track. Everything was falling into place, the. That one little thing, that to anyone else would be a little bump in the road, leaves you destroyed, feeling alone, scared and confused.
I can honestly say, I know I will rebuild, I WILL BEAT THIS! Everytime I get a little bit stronger, the lows get a little bit higher, one day they will be just potholes to me too. Until that day, I pick myself up, pull myself together… There is a beautiful little girl who is completely dependant on me, and for her, I will learn the ins and outs, I will beat this, and if she is ever plagued by this, I will have taught her to be stronger than her mama! To never hit the lows as low or as hard.
Until then, it’s chin up and keep moving forward, up and out.
Love and light
~J
It’s been a while…
I figure it’s time for a check in! Things keep moving forward,I haven’t made a decission on returning to work. The thought of it still messes me up a bit. I am looking into some options to retrain and change fields, I think I am just finished with retail! I am working on my own at home business, working with some aromatherapy, bath and body products and a little bit of knitting too. It’s stuff I enjoy and things that helped me progress to where I am today vs 6 months ago. Meditation, yoga, aromatherapy, diet changes.. It all changed my life!
I’m still not bubbly and happy all the time, I can at least fake it till I make it now though! After I got the anxiety under control and managed to learn coping techniques that worked everytime, the big black dog that is depression reared it’s ugly head. I didn’t want to do anything, I was totally disconnected from everything and everyone. That’s improving now, but it’s still around some days. I know however that I can beat this! I am stronger than I give myself credit for and the universe is on my side!
I have gradually started driving again, although not often, or for long distances alone, a step in the right direction! I’m volunteering with a youth organization again, it helps! Feels like I’m actually doing something! Play dates and walks are happening more and more. I’m begining to feel human again! Still one day at a time, learning to be present was a huge blessing, wish I had listened when I was younger and my mom told me I needed to slow down!
I’m not even sure what else to update you on, things are good, my daughter and I are going to move in with hy mom for a bit until I learn a bit more about myself, the help is huge! I think I needed it, more than I knew. Being a single parent is hard! Add mental illness in there and it can be detrimental. You don’t stop to better yourself just keep going till you crack and crumble. However, I built myself up!! And baby, you better believe I’m coming out of this stronger than I ever was before!!
Love and light to you all,
Take a few minutes for you tonight, be grateful for all that you have, the breath that you breathe, the beating of your heart. Give yourself the credit you deserve, love yourself completely-just the way that you are. Embrace it, and remember you’re Exactally where you need to be, to become the person you’re meant to be!
❤ ❤
The on going journey
Things really have been going well! for starters’ we have had beautiful weather on the west coast! it has been sunny’ and pretty warm, especially for February. double digits and gorgeous blue skies’ no complaints from me! As someone with seasonal affective disorder, this could not be more welcomed!
I have started another new part of my journey, natural homemade bath, shower and body products… Needless to say, keeping busy! also, with this business I’m starting up, I’ll also be selling my knitting. so far, water bottle bags, market bags and yoga mat bags… hopefully will be adding yoga socks to the mix!
busy busy!!!
As for my panic and anxiety, I’ve had the odd off day, but things are going great! I feel more like myself than I have for a long time, I feel happy, collected, just great!! doing yoga and meditation, and keeping up on my journals, it’s all been a life saver for me!
I have decided to move back in with my mom for a while, just so I feel comfortable and am more able to focus on my mental health, and know I have some help. so April 1st, is moving day (if not sooner)
for now it’s rearranging, and child proofing! plus packing here!
I feel good about this decision, and all that’s happening
love and light
J
Disconnecting
I haven’t written lately, since my app us on my phone, and i am not, as much anymore.
I am realizing more and more how much technology, phones and social media, are destroying us, our society. it’s rather brutal actually.
But I’m not writing to preach that, or anything for that matter.
A year ago I started a journal/Diary type thing for my daughter, for her 18th birthday. I try to write once a month, sometimes more but Never less. it’s been great, not only am I sharing important things with her future self, I feel it allows me to continue my parental teaching. I can reinforce things that I am teaching her now, and will teach her over time. I remind her who she is, what a great person she is. and not to feed her Ego, but to ensure she never loses her confidence. she is destined for great things ( and that’s not the bias opinion, I hear it quite often from others) and I don’t want her to ever forget that, and if she loses sight, she can always look back and have that reminder.
I had seen so many things, you know, take a picture once a month and send it to an email address you set up for your kid, then give them the password at 18..what happen to writing? What if something happens and computers crash, or that email server fails, and that’s all lost? ( I’m not talking conspiracy theories here, just posibility) as I finish a book for her, it will be dated and place in either the fire proof safe, or a safety deposit box along with my will. That also covers the fact that of something happens to me while she is younger, she always has the books that tell her just how much she means to me, how highly I think of her etc…
it feels good to connect that way, Pen to paper, honest word, from the heart, to my beautiful little Bug. I get to remind her of her greatness, tell her time and time again how much I love her,and it will continue to serve as a reminder long after I am gone. I get to help her know more about events she may forget, or is too little to remember… such as the other day, I had to take her to the Emergency room, and she had to be sedated to remove a piece of a baby wipe out of her nose that she decided to hide from me, and then jam it up her nose when I wasn’t looking. .. she’s 2.5, she won’t remember that… but she will now!! I get to show her and tell her where she came from. it’s all just so amazing.
do you have kids? Do you have something like that? If not, I recommend it… I wish I did!!
love and light
J
Age of distraction..break the cycle
I never realized just how dependant we are on technology, being as, at 29 years old, I have seen the growth and development….The first computer I remember having, was a Tandy 1000, which had a 10Mb hard drive, 640k of RAM, had an 8088 processor and a green screen…Now, we buy laptops, with touch screens, terabyte hard drives, 8GB of RAM, with things that are gibberish to me like a 1.8GhZ quad core processor.
My first phone, was a rotary phone… even half of you reading this are probably like ” a what??” I remember when a mobile phone, was literally a car phone, attached to the floor of your car, and ” Zach Morris” cell phones… There was no texting, there was no touch screen, a phone, made phone calls, that was it.
I remember a time before Facebook, and YouTube, let alone twitter, snap chat, or any other social media site.
You wanted to send pictures to your family, or friends, you took film to the photo lab and had it developed. You wanted to ask someone something, you picked up the phone, or knocked on their door.
We watched Much music/MTV, if it wasn’t on the TV or the radio at that moment, and we didn’t own the CD, we didn’t listen to the song, or we would call in to request it…. life was simple! I was HAPPY.
Then pagers were the popular thing, but make sure you had a quarter to call people back when they paged and you were out, incase it was important. Today, You cannot do anything without the ping of an email, a text message, a social media notification….
People are becoming more and more unhappy, mental illness is on the rise, discustingly high…Marcia Angell, in her 2011 New York Review of Books piece, summarizes: “The tally of those who are so disabled by mental disorders that they qualify for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) or Social Security Disability Insurance (SSDI) increased nearly two and a half times between 1987 and 2007—from 1 in 184 Americans to 1 in 76. For children, the rise is even more startling—a thirty-five-fold increase in Continue reading
A set back
Well, I had a really great day yesterday! I successfully stayed in the now the entire day. I went to a spiritual living circle last night, and it went even better than expected, was a very joyful and enlightening experience for me. I even went to bed early. Today, started off brutal. I woke up a little earlier than usual, which I was kind of excited about… and then, the panic hit. I woke up feeling like I was on auto pilot. I was doing the actions But I felt like it wasn’t here… panic hit. Scared I was going crazy or something, maybe depersonalizing or something. So of course I started panicking. Well I kicked that in the pants really quick. Stopped the panic. But then I was just down and In a large funk. So we went for a walk at the beach, where I saw a ton of sealions!! And by a ton, I literally mean hundreds, close enough the see and photograph, probably 15 or so, then across the bay from where we were, hundreds of them, just little black spot a, could just make them out with the zoom lense. It was beautiful, maybe that’s why I was in a funk, to motivate me to go to that spot ( it’s where I feel the most at peace, so it’s my go to when in that zone. Then, after lunch I took my daughter to go feed the Ducks, which was a super cool experience, cause as we were walking towards them, they started coming towards us! My mom thought maybe it’s cause they saw people, but there were other people down there… I am pretty sure they recognized us! ( we go a couple times a week) yet another enlightening experience. So, it was a set back, but lots of positive came out of it. So, that’s one panic attack in 2 months, and I feel like I got lead right where I needed to be… So everything really does happen for a reason…. it’s all about listening to the things that happen, not seeing them as bad, just little indications that something different needs to happen 🙂
I came home and had a good meditation and a little nap, and now, although a bit restless and off feeling ( which tends to happen after an attack) I am able to see the good, and realize how much stronger I am than I was a few months ago.
2 months ago, that feeling of panic that I kicked in the button, would have escalated to me going to the hospital thinking I was loosing my mind and going crazy. So, progress!! Just a little test to reassure myself that I am much stronger than my anxiety, and to remind myself I am on the right path.
Sending love and light
J
My first class
It was really good! I was nervous and anxious at first, felt like throwing up or running from the room, but I didn’t! ! And I am so very glad I didn’t. It was really out of my comfort zone, but I think that zone got bigger… I was talking to people and even read aloud during the class. It started with very simple seated yoga, a couple standing movements and then a 20 minute guided meditation, followed by 3 readings that really strike home.
After coming home from that, I found out a won a free registration to a women’s weight loss group local in town here. It’s women who want to get healthy, and get together for walks and work outs. Very excited for it! I can get healthier and meet new friends… it’s a win win. I go for my first weigh in on Tuesday evening, then 13 weeks of exercise, and a final weigh in to see how we have done… There are even prizes for those who get the most points. ( based on % lost, food journal etc)
I feel good about these choice! It only goes up from here!!
Mindful movement and meditation
In 10 hours, I will be attending my first mindful movement and meditation class. I am really looking forward to it. Although I have been working on mindful movement, as well as a lot of meditation, daily, I feel that a group setting will me good for me to be involved in, and may help me to further deepen my experience! I look forward to filling you in tomorrow!
♡J
My anxiety journey 